A Painful Normality
by Delectable Sweetness
Summary: Sometimes I think I see you out of the corner of my eye, but when I turn to look there's nothing there. I just wish I knew who took you away from me - I wish I could have my sister back, but I know I never will.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Defiance or any of its characters. No copy infringement intended. However, I do own my own writing, my own characters and the plot to this story, Delectable Sweetness©.**

**Author's Note: Okay, so this idea came to me and I just had to write it down. Its set sometime after the end of season one. I know that everyone is hoping that Kenya hasn't died (myself included), but this story assumes that she has. Also, this style of writing is new to me – I usually write in 3****rd**** person – so I hope that I did okay.**

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A Painful Normality

"_All these years I've given you shtako, you could have hit back with this at any time. You could have shut me down. Why didn't you?"_

Another day, Kenya – another day and you're still not here. I wish you were. I wish you could see what Defiance has become. It's nothing like it once was – the E-Rep has made sure of that. It's dark now, always dark. Depression has settled its way into the town, attacking the population like a heavy cloud of razor rain. I see the people of this once peaceful town line the streets every morning, each one begging for scraps of food so they can feed their families. It's a sight I had hoped I would never see in Defiance. I had never thought it would have come to this.

I never thought that the E-Rep would snake its way in. We have Datak Tarr to thank for that, though, don't we?!

I know, I sound bitter, but I can't help it. This town – you – meant everything to me, Kenya and now…

I wish I was still Mayor. I know… I know you think I'm insane. How many times had I complained to you about not wanting to be Mayor?

– I know you won't answer me, and I know I have to live with that, but some days I still can't help but hope that you will –

Too many to count as I recall. But the truth is… I did, and I still do. I think it had just been the fear of taking on the responsibility for a whole town that had made me wary at first. The idea had been daunting to say the least, but you had always been there to reassure me that I would be fine – I had raised you after all, and even you have to admit that you were a handful some times, but I wouldn't change a single second of it.

And of course, you had been right. Once I had settled in and I had gained my bearings, everything had started to fall into place. The Volge attack had tested us, though, all of us really. And like always, you had been by my side, braving the Volge while masking how scared you had truly been, and I knew because I had been terrified, too.

And then when Datak had decided to run for Mayor, I think that was when you knew that I didn't want to lose. I think that was when I finally realized how much I loved being Mayor. But like always, good things must come to an end. When the announcements had been made and I had lost, you had been there to comfort me.

There had been something off about you that day, though. I had noticed it and I knew I should have asked, but I had been nursing my wound with one too many glasses of scotch – I guess I really am a sore loser, huh?

You see, Kenya, you were always there for me through my good moments and my bad. And even though we fought and I disagreed with your… career choice, you were the only consistently good thing in my life.

And now that you're gone I find that I am broken. I'm not the same person that I used to be anymore. I have an ache now, a constant ache that just won't go away, and I'm afraid that it never will. Every morning is a relentless struggle just to get up out of the bed, and when I do manage to finally drag myself out of it, it's like a part of me is on autopilot. I feel numb as I go about my daily business.

I know I should be thankful in a way, though. At least I have a job – scrubbing floors for the E-Rep officials. It is terribly degrading and it doesn't pay much, but at least it's something. It puts food on the table and a roof over my head, and Nolan's, too. He's no longer the lawkeeper, but he refuses to leave Defiance without me or Irisa, so I did the right thing and took him in.

– And no, I know what you're thinking, we're not together, so get that thought right out of your head – see I'm talking to you again like you're going to answer me –

He thinks that I should just quit my job and leave, but I can't because you're still here. I can't leave you – I won't leave you! Nolan though, he's not the same man that either of us once knew. He's spent the last year looking for Irisa – he thinks she might have left Defiance – while I spent it mourning you, and I know he wants to leave and search the Badlands for his daughter, and I fear the reason he hasn't yet is because of me.

Am I being selfish?

I don't mean to be.

I just… hurt so much.

And I don't know how to fix myself.

You always knew how to fix me, though, but sometimes I find myself being thankful that you're not here. I know that sounds cruel, horrible even, but… I don't think you would like this new Defiance, Kenya. I know that if you had have been here you would have fought to change it, to help these people – you had always had such a big heart. I hope you know that I tried to fight, but I no longer have any left within me. I know you would have fought till your last breath – Huh, I guess you did in the end.

I just wish I knew who took you away from me.

Doc Yewll said that because there were no injuries to your body that you must have been poisoned – were you? – And that the poison had probably degraded quickly. I hope you weren't in any pain my dear sister.

But… I know that you're in a better place – is Irisa there with you? – And that you're probably looking down on me. Are you proud of me? I know there's not a lot to be proud of now. How can you be proud of someone who went from being the Mayor to scrubbing floors for a living?

You know what's funny, though? Sometimes I think I see you out of the corner of my eye, but when I turn to look there's nothing there.

I wish I could see you again, to talk to and hug you again. I miss our random conversations; I miss the way you used to tease me. I wish I could have told you all the things that I should have said to you – how much I loved you and appreciated you for everything that you had ever done for me. I know I should have supported you more and probably even respected you more, too. I'm sorry I'll never get to tell you those things in person. It's among my biggest regrets.

I wish I could have my sister back, but I know I never will.

Each day normality – I know, how could things be normal around here? – seems to be creeping back into my life, and it's painful.

This is a reality that I don't want, Kenya!

I just want things to go back to the way they used to be, but they never will… will they?

"_You're my sister."_

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**Author's Note: So what did you think? Was it any good? I know it was terribly depressing, but I hoped you liked it.**

**Review please. :)**


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